022: Baby New Year

I'm an optimist, mostly. I try to be pragmatic about it -- plan for the worst, hope for the best -- but I really really want that "best". I suspect everyone's like that at New Year, balancing whatever disappointments and pain they've had over the past twelve months with the aesthetic wiping-clean-the-slate that a new calendar provides. It's tough sometimes, but what else are ya gonna do?

I think this may be the closest thing to an Uncle Bonsai song I've written. I was trying to bridge the various gap between hopeful, cynical and melancholy without coming off as maudlin.

May we all have a good New Year.

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Baby New Year
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


Who changes the diapers on the baby new year?
In only five days he ages one year,
Assuming three score years and ten,
That's what I've heard is the span of men.

There've been almost two thousand since Jesus died,
That's a hell of a lot of infanticide
But before then I'm sure it was worse
'Cause I bet that he aged in reverse.

I've got a lullaby for the Baby New Year
So he can get some sleep,
He's got so much that he has to do here,
Especially if he's leap.
A year is a difficult thing to be,
There's strife and stress and such,
And I don't want a lot, just the promise he
Will try not to suck so much.

Three weeks of filling your checks out wrong,
Of singing some dumb catchy Christmas song,
Of snow and cold and of feeling squirrelly,
Of swearing you'll do your taxes early.

Three months of waiting for winter's end.
Two months of hating the thaw again.
One month of wishing they'd fix the street.
Three months of bitching about the heat.

Here's a lullaby for the Baby New Year
As he lays there in bed,
I want him to know that there's nothing to fear
Except the months ahead.
People call him names and vent frustrations
And he's just passing time.
How can he live up to their expectations
When he's just past his prime?

Then the autumn comes and the winter's after.
He feels the chill in the children's laughter.
It's not that anyone wants him gone,
But Christmastime is a-comin' on.

After Halloween, there's the cold and snow,
And he's starting to feel so old and slow.
But there's one bright moment in the sun,
When we all give thanks for the good he's done.

Here's a lullaby for the Baby New Year,
The Older Year as well,
'Cause they bring us everything we hold dear,
As far as I can tell,
There's a lot of hope for the year ahead
And some stuff that just won't take,
But it's not the Baby New Year's fault
So give the kid a break.
He's only a Baby New Year --
Shhh. Soon enough, he'll wake.

Merry Christmas

If you happened to miss any of the iTom songs, you can go to my main web site, Tom Smith Online, and download the 128 Kbps versions of all of them. There are also a few other musical freebies, including a never-released song, until January 1.

021: A Pirate Christmas

The entire story behind this one is that first line. This one's a permanent freebie -- Merry Christmas, everybody!

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A Pirate Christmas
Words © 2006 by Tom Smith
Music by Diverse Hands
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


We three kings of orient ARRR...

Swab the decks w' boughs of holly
fa la la la la, la la la la
Hoist the Roger if it's jolly
fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our pirate trappings,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Caught me peg leg in these wrappings
fa la la la la, la la la la

From the portside to the starboard
And from transom to bow
We are covered with invading bivalves

They latched on when we were harbored,
And nobody knows how
To remove them and get the ship clear.

Barnacles, barnacles,
Give me a friggin' damn crowbar
barnacles, barnacles,
Soon they will eat this whole bay.

Said the lookout to the bosun's mate,
Do you hear what I hear?
(Do you ARRR what I ARRR!)

(a cappella)
O Cannonball, O Cannonball
I'll shoot you through the stockade wall

All I want fer christmas is me two front teeth,
Me two front teeth, me two front teeth....

My cap'n told me,
Ba-rum pa pum pum
ARRR, RUM!
RUM!
I'm tryin' ta SING!
We LIKES rum!

Ye better watch out, ye better not cry,
Get the rum out, I'm tellin' you why,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town
He walks with a list, talks a good game,
Blade, kiss or fist, it's always the same,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town.

He seizes any treasure
The rum and wenches too,
He knows if you've been bad or good
(Cap'n Jack voice) And either one will do!

Don't follow his lead, it's gonna get grim,
The only survivor likely is him,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town.

Christmas, christmas time is here,
Time fer loot and wine and beer,
Santa, bring your big ol' bag,
We want treasure, we want swag
Want a map from some old book,
Me I want a brand new hook
We can hardly stand the wait
Please christmas don't be late.

I saw the cap'n kissing santy claus
Down below the bulwark late last night
... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Arrr! The herald angels sing,
Here's a letter from the king

Up in the crows nest, it's my watch,
Keeping warm with rum and scotch,
Icy winds and freezing sleet,
Too darn slippery to keep my feet
Yo ho ho, who wouldn't goOOOOOOO....

Silent night, holy night,
Shush the cat, douse the light
Round the back, the door isn't locked
Grab their stuff, we'll go get it hocked
Sleep in heavenly peace,
The constables' palms have been greased.

All right, ye swabs! Big finish!

Dashing through the snow
Is somethin' we ain't done,
Because we never go
Away from tropic sun,
Keep yer cold and ice,
We think it's kinda dumb
We've got our Christmas paradise
With beaches, girls and rum!
ARRR!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to sail the Caribbean today-ay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas on the sea,
Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, a Santa's life for me!
Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, a Santa's life for me!

020: Alternate Universe Lost & Found

There are many theories, great and small, as to where the extra sock in the dryer goes. The fact that, nine times out of ten, it goes inside the sleeve of a shirt where you find it later doesn't really matter: the narrative that it vanishes into another dimension is the cool part. I just ran with that, and it kept getting sillier. And, no, I have no idea how this turned into an Andrews Sisters knock-off. I was planning something nice and folky. I guess that idea also went into another dimension.

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Alternate Universe Lost & Found
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


When you open up the drier and half your socks are gone,
When the cell phone's not on the table you put it on,
You're not sure what, but something has gone wrong.

When the TV remote has simply disappeared,
When the twenty you had in your wallet's been commandeered,
Where can you turn to when stuff starts getting weird?

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found,
That's the place you oughta go,
When you're looking for things no longer around,
They're the ones who oughta know,
When the fizz in your soda has all gone flat,
When you can't find your glasses, the keys or the cat,
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.

When the kids find a cupboard that leads to a whole new place,
When you've gotta deliver a pizza 'cross time and space,
When you're in New York City and you want some salsa by Pace.

When your evil twin murders and you end up doing the time,
When you fall through a wormhole to Chiron Beta Prime,
When you wake to a world where Mel Blanc was a famous mime.

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found,
Better give 'em a call tonight,
When reality's springs have come unwound,
They're the ones who get 'em tight,
When the Mongol Hordes are invading your den,
Or the aliens want to probe you again,
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.

We got smooth transitions between dimensions
So you can enjoy the ride,
We can fix the most futuristic inventions,
We do our jobs with pride,
We got Wacky Wafers and Black Jack Gum,
Tootsie Pop Drops and Fizzies too,
Major Matt Mason and Mrs. Beasley
Are all waiting here for you!

When you miss the innocent youth you used to be,
When you make a mistake and want back your virginity,
We can do it all, for only a modest fee.

When the world you live in isn't the world you want,
When you're tired of the rat race and want a relaxing jaunt,
Let down your guard, and we'll make your garde avant.

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found
Stop in for a free brouchure,
If you're Oz, Barsoom, or Wonderland bound,
Come schedule a guided tour,
If you feel like you got the short end of the stick,
The next world over might do the trick,
All kinds o' fantasies, small and large,
Happy endings, no extra charge,
If you can't make your dreams come true,
Just give us a call, we're here for you
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.

019: Bodyhacking

Body modification has many forms and facets. On the simplest level, make-up and pierced ears, to tattoos, piercings, scars, spikes and studs, and then to things that make me squirm to think about them. (As if the other stuff doesn't.) This is not the thing I would normally write about... but Wired Magazine has an online column devoted to biotechnology called "Bodyhack". Naturally, this term hacked its way into a different corner of my brain, the one that recalls conversations with people regarding who would be the first of us to get WiFi implants when they become available. And I started to wonder how far it could go. Because there's no question that it will.

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Bodyhacking
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


My body is a temple I'm rebuilding
I need to do some work on my facade
These changes are like prayers, I'll get a lot of stares,
And With every step I'm closer to god

I started with a tattoo and two piercings,
A dragon and my lower lip and tongue
I'd often heard it said that would make me good in bed
Turns out it matters more which way I've swung

I've got to change,
But not how mother wants of me,
I'll rearrange
It's just a bodyhack
It's not so strange,
It's just like plastic surgery
taken to extremes,
And all my hopes and dreams
Are looking in the mirror
Hoping I'll be looking back

I got some eyebrow spikes and other implants,
Some talons for my fingernails and feet
Telescoping bones, new skin with crimson tones,
The scars across my back draw a Magritte

The catalog from slashdot helped immensely
My eyes are different colors for each mood,
I hear my own heart pound in 5.1 surround,
As of next week I'll no longer need food

I've got to change,
But not how mother wants of me,
I'll rearrange
It's just a bodyhack
It's not so strange,
It's just like plastic surgery
Taken to extremes,
And all my hopes and dreams
Are looking in the mirror
Hoping I'll be looking back

I'm sure there was a version of me that I liked at one point
But I know... I don't know
I barely can recall those days before my tungsten ball joints,
That was so... long ago
And some would cast aspersions but they miss the bigger picture
They can't see... A to Z
These nanobots and waldoes may seem ancillary fixtures
But I'll be... soon set free

The other day I ran into an old friend
she said she hardly recognized me now
I killed her where she stood, it was for the greater good,
Sometimes when you change, you don't want folks asking how

I've heard some say you should find god within you
And I know now evolution's not the key
But intelligent design, the intelligence was mine,
And I'm wondering what kind of god I'll be

I've got to change,
But not how others want of me,
I'll rearrange
It's just a bodyhack
It's not so strange,
It's just like plastic surgery
Taken to extremes,
And all my hopes and dreams
Are looking in the mirror
Hoping I'll be looking back