iTom: Free Music From Tom Smith

Music in every style -- except dull. Tom Smith, the World's Fastest Filker and the prototypical geek folk-rocker, releases new music for free download on a regular basis. (It was a song a week for almost a year.) You can subscribe to the RSS feed, purchase a better-quality MP3 of the song, or purchase three months' worth as a downloadable album.

Friday, September 29, 2006

009: Waterboardin'

(I apologize for being late this week; Real Life got in the way.)

The United States government is doing
everything it can to make torture, indefinite imprisonment, and trials based on secret evidence legal.

This is beyond appalling; this is un-American. The people who are behind this -- and we're talking the President, the Vice President, the Attorney General, the Secretary of State, and a sizable contingent of both houses of Congress -- are, to my mind, at the very least traitors to their oaths to defend and protect the Constitution. At the very most, they're war criminals trying to cover their sorry asses.

But, what the hey -- Rush Limbaugh said Guantanamo Bay was a pretty good vacation spot. Let's have one last bit of summer fun!
Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs
Waterboardin'
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


Hey, Waterboardin'!
Hey, Waterboardin'!
We've got a lot goin' on in the Middle East
An illegal invasion, one more planned, at least
Homeland Security is a joke
The War on Terror's gonna leave us broke
The country's headed down the road to ruin,
But let's go do what all the kids are doin',
Waterboardin'!

So
Grab your boards and come on 'round,
Grab the nearest guy that's brown,
Tie him up and hose him down,
We're gonna make him think he'll drown,
It used to be inhuman and cruel,
But the Attorney General says it's really cool,
Waterboardin'!

They're waxin' up the boards out at Abu Ghraib (Hey, Waterboardin'!)
And Guantanamo Bay is gonna catch the wave (Hey, Waterboardin'!)
There's other places I could tell you about (Hey, Waterboardin'!)
But the Boarder In Chief won't let the secret out (Hey, Waterboardin'!)
It's not like that many people are dying,
Imagine if we were REALLY trying,
Waterboardin'!

So
Raise his feet up above his head
Put a towel on his face, cover up the dread
Pour water on it till he thinks he's dead
And be sure to write down anything he said
He'll say what you want, but that only shows
You were right in your suspicion 'bout what he knows,
Waterboardin'!

Now the detainees are really scum,
Bush said "Bring it on", and they had to come,
We'll never understand why they're so mean
But we sure know how to make them come clean!

They hate our freedoms, well, that's okay (Hey, Waterboardin'!)
'Cause we weren't gonna give 'em to 'em anyway (Hey, Waterboardin'!)
Don't let the apologists make a fuss (Hey, Waterboardin'!)
'Cause the terrorists wouldn't dare do it to us. (Hey, Waterboardin'!)
Let's make the detainees feel involved,
And if they really drown, well, problem solved,
Who cares if Democracy is dissolved,
Waterboardin'!

So
We'll take away your rights in the name of fear
You'll forget about it within a year
You know it can never happen here
Unless we think you're liberal, Muslim, or queer
You've nothing to worry 'bout unless you've tried
To make a phone call or take an airplane ride,
Or if we think there's a place we can safely hide
Waterboardin'!

America's finally come undone,
Looks like the terrorists finally won,
And the biggest is the son of Forty-One,
Waterboardin'!

Monday, September 18, 2006

008: Hey, It's Can(n)on

According to her page at the Harry Potter Lexicon, Hermione Granger's birthday is September 19. This also happens to be International Talk Like A Pirate Day (for which, you may recall, I wrote the official chanty a couple of years ago). Which is pretty much all of how this song came about. At one point the refrain line had a slightly different rhythm, but Anne made a very good suggestion which I adopted.

I also had fun at the Pirate Nicknames page. "Hermione Granger" led to "Skylarking Charity". Ehh. "Ginevra Weasley" generated "Deadeye Pegs" (which works for me, as I don't much like Ginny).

But "Hermione Jane Granger" got "Buccaneer Jane".

Arrr.

A couple of continuity notes: No, it's not actually in the books, at least not yet. But JKR did say it, and I wanted that rhyme with "Hook".

Yes, I know Lucius is currently in Azkaban.

"'Ships" in the next-to-last verse refers to relationships, i.e., who'll end up with who romantically. There's an ongoing and surprisingly rancorous online war between those think it'll end up Harry/Hermione (I'm on that team) and supporters of Ron/Hermione. I deliberately leave it open (sorry, Harry/Draco fans).

I was in a bit of a rush to get this one ready for TLAPD, and there's a good chance I'll remix it and likely tweak a couple of vocals. Don't panic, however -- I'll absolutely do so before iTom 1.0 is released, and... this one's a freebie anyway. Not wanting to be stepped on by the JKR/WB legal machine, I declare that this song is not gonna be for sale. I mean, I'm gonna put it on the album, but that's very much an incidental 'cause-I-wrote-it-now thing. Think of it as a bonus track. The song will always be up at TSO, and it will always be the better 192-Kbps quality. I do this very deliberately to avoid problems. No, guys, I'm not making money off Harry Potter. The title doesn't even call attention to HP.

Listen
Download this song (192 Kbps)

Buy other songs through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs
Hey, It's Can(n)on
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License
Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R.
Harry Potter characters, names and related indicia are trademarks of and © Warner Bros. Ent. All Rights Reserved. Characters are used without permission. No challenge to copyright is intended, nor should such challenge be construed.


Ye've read the Harry Potter books, ye think ye know 'em through
But there's something that ye may not know, and here's a little clue:
The female of the Trio has her birthday on
Talk Like A Pirate Day so heads up, Harry and Ron!

When she found out, her eyes she rolled, an' she went on knittin' socks,
But Harry said, "I've got the gold, let's head down to the docks,"
They traded lots o' Galleons for a lovely brigantine,
And now they're her young stallions and she's a pirate queen!

Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,
Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done
Though she's only seventeen, she's smarter than Dumbledore,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

Her white shirt and black leather they complement her eyes,
A red sash brings it t'gether (and the boots half up her thighs)
Cap'n Hook's a fan and Jack Sparrow thinks it's great,
It's in the books, it's canon, so let's all celebrate!

Hoist the mainsil', wind the capstan, give it all ye got,
The firewhiskey and th' captain both are really hot,
Here's a Happy Birthday to the girl that we adore,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

She taxidermied Pettigrew, and on the bridge he sat,
'Cause after all, what pirate ship doesn't have a rat?
She Incarcerous'd young Malfoy so he could not escape,
And one Petrificus later, she made him walk the Snape!

Dolohov she'll finish off, and Bellatrix she'll foil,
Lucius'll land in Azkaban and likewise Crabbe and Goyle,
She laughs at danger, thinks it's keen -- bring on Voldemor -- TT!
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

Now here's the part we talk about with whom she's lockin' lips,
'Cause after all, a pirate queen has got to have her 'ships,
Some say Harry's her true love, or Ron she will betroth,
She finally cried, "I can't decide, I'll have to have 'em both!"

Who's the sassy bossy witch that all the boys pursue?
Grander than the Golden Snitch and more elusive too.
One may Seeker, one may Keeper, both know how to score, with
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

And so the Seven Seas she sails, in deadly hot pursuit
of getting perfect O.W.L.s and aceing every N.E.W.T.
Some think she's just a bookworm, but I am here ta say
She's got this pirate thing down cold every natal day!

Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,
Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done
She'll go down in history, the one we're singin' for,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

007: Destroyer of Worlds

To prevent some potential confusion, based on having a friend listen to this yesterday, it is not a song about Phoenix from the X-Men. I ended up changing a line in the bridge specifically to make that point. And, the original song I wanted to write was a lot less cosmic: "She's So Nihilistic". (I might write that one anyway.) Then, I happened to remember John Byrne's "The Last Galactus Story", which ran in Epic Illustrated, wherein his herald Nova realized she was in love with the Big G. I reversed that dynamic, got me some guitar rock, and here we are.
Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs
Destroyer of Worlds
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


No one knows from whence she came,
How she got here, what's her name,
All they know is the trail of dead
star systems in her wake.

Terrible and beautiful,
Implacable and dutiful to
All the worlds she fills with dread,
The lives she has to take.

It's a mystery why she must
wipe out the stars above,
But it don't matter to me, just
As long as we're in love!

My baby is the destroyer of worlds,
She's a very special girl,
The terror of the galaxy, and that's why she's the girl for me --
My baby is the destroyer of worlds.

Jack Kirby did her clothes design,
That hot magenta chrome's so fine.
Those big dramatic poses when she
Walks in through the door.

From other beings she stands apart,
But I was keen to win her heart.
She don't like chocolate or roses, but she
Sure loved Rigel Four.

Nothing sets her eyes aglow like
Leeching planets dry
And nothing means as much as knowing
I'm her lovin' guy.

My baby is the destroyer of worlds,
Just watch her sensor probes unfurl,
I love to see her smiling face when she devours an alien race --
My baby is the destroyer of worlds.

Some people think she's just a fable
She drank Galactus and Phoenix under the table
Some wonder why she keeps me around
It has to do with humans being maddening yet profound.

And so we roam the universe
'Cause it's her calling and her curse
Finding worlds that teem with life, and
Leaving cold debris.

And even though she must consume
Whole planets to avoid her doom,
I know someday she'll be my wife, and
She'll belong to me.

To her, I may be just a mote, but
Every once in awhile
As billions scream as from one throat, she'll
Flash our secret smile.

My baby is the destroyer of worlds,
And I'm so glad that she's my girl,
The scourge of all reality, she'll always be the girl for me --
My baby is the destroyer of worlds.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

006: Mythical Frederick

I get buttloads of spam. And I have to check everything, because occasionally something I need gets tagged and dumped into the Bulk folder. It doesn't help that spam generators have gotten weird over the past several months: in ever-more-sophisticated attempts to bypass filters, they've taken to everything from overly sincere exhortations that the writer truly believes there is no better deal available online, to excerpts from poetry or works of fiction, to Strangeass Q. Sendernames, to simple random phrases.

Well, one day something came through with the subject line, "mythical Frederick". I grinned and sang to myself, "Mythical Frederick doesn't exist -- that's why he's got me so bloody pissed", and suddenly realized I was about to write a Beatles pastiche.
Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs
Mythical Frederick
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


Mythical Frederick doesn't exist.
That's why he's got me so bloody pissed.
Clogged up the drain of my shower with hair,
I can't complain 'cause Frederick's not there.

Mythical Frederick ate all the jam,
Bought the wrong bread and bought the wrong ham.
I get so mad when things don't go right,
'Cause Mythical Frederick's nowhere in sight.

Frederick locked my keys in my car,
Got me in fights with toughs at the bar,
You've no idea what trouble I'm in,
From my imaginary evil twin.

Mythical Frederick skimps when he tips,
He kissed the vicar full on the lips,
I can't explain 'cause no one can see
Mythical Frederick did it, not me.

People believe in Santa, it's true,
The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy too
Kids make up friends, so why can't you see
I've got a made-up arch-enemy?

Frederick got me fired from my job,
Brainwashed my girl to think I'm a slob,
I'll go insane 'cause Frederick, the louse,
Cancelled the payments on my phone and house.

Out in the street, half-froze in the snow,
One act of vengeance before I go
I'll do him in, but he won't be missed,
Mythical Frederick doesn't exist.