iTom: Free Music From Tom Smith

Music in every style -- except dull. Tom Smith, the World's Fastest Filker and the prototypical geek folk-rocker, releases new music for free download on a regular basis. (It was a song a week for almost a year.) You can subscribe to the RSS feed, purchase a better-quality MP3 of the song, or purchase three months' worth as a downloadable album.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

021: A Pirate Christmas

The entire story behind this one is that first line. This one's a permanent freebie -- Merry Christmas, everybody!

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A Pirate Christmas
Words © 2006 by Tom Smith
Music by Diverse Hands
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License

We three kings of orient ARRR...

Swab the decks w' boughs of holly
fa la la la la, la la la la
Hoist the Roger if it's jolly
fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our pirate trappings,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Caught me peg leg in these wrappings
fa la la la la, la la la la

From the portside to the starboard
And from transom to bow
We are covered with invading bivalves

They latched on when we were harbored,
And nobody knows how
To remove them and get the ship clear.

Barnacles, barnacles,
Give me a friggin' damn crowbar
barnacles, barnacles,
Soon they will eat this whole bay.

Said the lookout to the bosun's mate,
Do you hear what I hear?
(Do you ARRR what I ARRR!)

(a cappella)
O Cannonball, O Cannonball
I'll shoot you through the stockade wall

All I want fer christmas is me two front teeth,
Me two front teeth, me two front teeth....

My cap'n told me,
Ba-rum pa pum pum
I'm tryin' ta SING!
We LIKES rum!

Ye better watch out, ye better not cry,
Get the rum out, I'm tellin' you why,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town
He walks with a list, talks a good game,
Blade, kiss or fist, it's always the same,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town.

He seizes any treasure
The rum and wenches too,
He knows if you've been bad or good
(Cap'n Jack voice) And either one will do!

Don't follow his lead, it's gonna get grim,
The only survivor likely is him,
Cap'n Jack is comin' ta town.

Christmas, christmas time is here,
Time fer loot and wine and beer,
Santa, bring your big ol' bag,
We want treasure, we want swag
Want a map from some old book,
Me I want a brand new hook
We can hardly stand the wait
Please christmas don't be late.

I saw the cap'n kissing santy claus
Down below the bulwark late last night
... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Arrr! The herald angels sing,
Here's a letter from the king

Up in the crows nest, it's my watch,
Keeping warm with rum and scotch,
Icy winds and freezing sleet,
Too darn slippery to keep my feet
Yo ho ho, who wouldn't goOOOOOOO....

Silent night, holy night,
Shush the cat, douse the light
Round the back, the door isn't locked
Grab their stuff, we'll go get it hocked
Sleep in heavenly peace,
The constables' palms have been greased.

All right, ye swabs! Big finish!

Dashing through the snow
Is somethin' we ain't done,
Because we never go
Away from tropic sun,
Keep yer cold and ice,
We think it's kinda dumb
We've got our Christmas paradise
With beaches, girls and rum!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to sail the Caribbean today-ay!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas on the sea,
Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, a Santa's life for me!
Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, a Santa's life for me!


At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, bravo! I'm sittin' here at me computer, wearin' me brand-new pirate shirt, and swiggin me coffee out of me brand new pirate mug - and there's THIS! Ye couldn't have done better if you'd planned it, Tom!
-- LadyCheron

At 11:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tom - When are you sending this one to Dr. Demento????

Somehow I think this one will be played next year during the Xmas shows....

Its very good!!! This one had me laughing out loud a lot.

Definitely an instant Tom Smith Classic!

Harold S.

At 1:56 PM, Blogger lexi said...

*dies laughing* oh that's GREAT! much love, sweetie, and Merry Christmas!

At 2:17 AM, Anonymous Fuuberry said...

I sent this to my parents, they played it to the whole family (My Grandma had a laughy-spaz at the Two Front Teeth bit). I'll be listening to this year round!


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