020: Alternate Universe Lost & Found

There are many theories, great and small, as to where the extra sock in the dryer goes. The fact that, nine times out of ten, it goes inside the sleeve of a shirt where you find it later doesn't really matter: the narrative that it vanishes into another dimension is the cool part. I just ran with that, and it kept getting sillier. And, no, I have no idea how this turned into an Andrews Sisters knock-off. I was planning something nice and folky. I guess that idea also went into another dimension.

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Alternate Universe Lost & Found
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


When you open up the drier and half your socks are gone,
When the cell phone's not on the table you put it on,
You're not sure what, but something has gone wrong.

When the TV remote has simply disappeared,
When the twenty you had in your wallet's been commandeered,
Where can you turn to when stuff starts getting weird?

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found,
That's the place you oughta go,
When you're looking for things no longer around,
They're the ones who oughta know,
When the fizz in your soda has all gone flat,
When you can't find your glasses, the keys or the cat,
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.

When the kids find a cupboard that leads to a whole new place,
When you've gotta deliver a pizza 'cross time and space,
When you're in New York City and you want some salsa by Pace.

When your evil twin murders and you end up doing the time,
When you fall through a wormhole to Chiron Beta Prime,
When you wake to a world where Mel Blanc was a famous mime.

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found,
Better give 'em a call tonight,
When reality's springs have come unwound,
They're the ones who get 'em tight,
When the Mongol Hordes are invading your den,
Or the aliens want to probe you again,
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.

We got smooth transitions between dimensions
So you can enjoy the ride,
We can fix the most futuristic inventions,
We do our jobs with pride,
We got Wacky Wafers and Black Jack Gum,
Tootsie Pop Drops and Fizzies too,
Major Matt Mason and Mrs. Beasley
Are all waiting here for you!

When you miss the innocent youth you used to be,
When you make a mistake and want back your virginity,
We can do it all, for only a modest fee.

When the world you live in isn't the world you want,
When you're tired of the rat race and want a relaxing jaunt,
Let down your guard, and we'll make your garde avant.

It's the Alternate Universe Lost & Found
Stop in for a free brouchure,
If you're Oz, Barsoom, or Wonderland bound,
Come schedule a guided tour,
If you feel like you got the short end of the stick,
The next world over might do the trick,
All kinds o' fantasies, small and large,
Happy endings, no extra charge,
If you can't make your dreams come true,
Just give us a call, we're here for you
The Alternate Universe Lost & Found is here.