009: Waterboardin'
(I apologize for being late this week; Real Life got in the way.)
The United States government is doing everything it can to make torture, indefinite imprisonment, and trials based on secret evidence legal.This is beyond appalling; this is un-American. The people who are behind this -- and we're talking the President, the Vice President, the Attorney General, the Secretary of State, and a sizable contingent of both houses of Congress -- are, to my mind, at the very least traitors to their oaths to defend and protect the Constitution. At the very most, they're war criminals trying to cover their sorry asses.But, what the hey -- Rush Limbaugh said Guantanamo Bay was a pretty good vacation spot. Let's have one last bit of summer fun!
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Waterboardin'Words and Music © 2006 by Tom SmithReleased under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike LicenseHey, Waterboardin'!Hey, Waterboardin'!We've got a lot goin' on in the Middle EastAn illegal invasion, one more planned, at leastHomeland Security is a jokeThe War on Terror's gonna leave us brokeThe country's headed down the road to ruin,But let's go do what all the kids are doin',Waterboardin'!SoGrab your boards and come on 'round,Grab the nearest guy that's brown,Tie him up and hose him down,We're gonna make him think he'll drown,It used to be inhuman and cruel,But the Attorney General says it's really cool,Waterboardin'!They're waxin' up the boards out at Abu Ghraib (Hey, Waterboardin'!)And Guantanamo Bay is gonna catch the wave (Hey, Waterboardin'!)There's other places I could tell you about (Hey, Waterboardin'!)But the Boarder In Chief won't let the secret out (Hey, Waterboardin'!)It's not like that many people are dying,Imagine if we were REALLY trying,Waterboardin'!SoRaise his feet up above his headPut a towel on his face, cover up the dreadPour water on it till he thinks he's deadAnd be sure to write down anything he saidHe'll say what you want, but that only showsYou were right in your suspicion 'bout what he knows,Waterboardin'!Now the detainees are really scum,Bush said "Bring it on", and they had to come,We'll never understand why they're so mean But we sure know how to make them come clean!They hate our freedoms, well, that's okay (Hey, Waterboardin'!)'Cause we weren't gonna give 'em to 'em anyway (Hey, Waterboardin'!)Don't let the apologists make a fuss (Hey, Waterboardin'!)'Cause the terrorists wouldn't dare do it to us. (Hey, Waterboardin'!)Let's make the detainees feel involved,And if they really drown, well, problem solved,Who cares if Democracy is dissolved,Waterboardin'!SoWe'll take away your rights in the name of fearYou'll forget about it within a yearYou know it can never happen hereUnless we think you're liberal, Muslim, or queerYou've nothing to worry 'bout unless you've triedTo make a phone call or take an airplane ride,Or if we think there's a place we can safely hideWaterboardin'!America's finally come undone,Looks like the terrorists finally won,And the biggest is the son of Forty-One,Waterboardin'!
008: Hey, It's Can(n)on
According to her page at the Harry Potter Lexicon, Hermione Granger's birthday is September 19. This also happens to be International Talk Like A Pirate Day (for which, you may recall, I wrote the official chanty a couple of years ago). Which is pretty much all of how this song came about. At one point the refrain line had a slightly different rhythm, but Anne made a very good suggestion which I adopted.I also had fun at the Pirate Nicknames page. "Hermione Granger" led to "Skylarking Charity". Ehh. "Ginevra Weasley" generated "Deadeye Pegs" (which works for me, as I don't much like Ginny).But "Hermione Jane Granger" got "Buccaneer Jane".Arrr.A couple of continuity notes: No, it's not actually in the books, at least not yet. But JKR did say it, and I wanted that rhyme with "Hook".Yes, I know Lucius is currently in Azkaban."'Ships" in the next-to-last verse refers to relationships, i.e., who'll end up with who romantically. There's an ongoing and surprisingly rancorous online war between those think it'll end up Harry/Hermione (I'm on that team) and supporters of Ron/Hermione. I deliberately leave it open (sorry, Harry/Draco fans).I was in a bit of a rush to get this one ready for TLAPD, and there's a good chance I'll remix it and likely tweak a couple of vocals. Don't panic, however -- I'll absolutely do so before iTom 1.0 is released, and... this one's a freebie anyway. Not wanting to be stepped on by the JKR/WB legal machine, I declare that this song is not gonna be for sale. I mean, I'm gonna put it on the album, but that's very much an incidental 'cause-I-wrote-it-now thing. Think of it as a bonus track. The song will always be up at TSO, and it will always be the better 192-Kbps quality. I do this very deliberately to avoid problems. No, guys, I'm not making money off Harry Potter. The title doesn't even call attention to HP.
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Hey, It's Can(n)onWords and Music © 2006 by Tom SmithReleased under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike LicenseHarry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R.Harry Potter characters, names and related indicia are trademarks of and © Warner Bros. Ent. All Rights Reserved. Characters are used without permission. No challenge to copyright is intended, nor should such challenge be construed.Ye've read the Harry Potter books, ye think ye know 'em throughBut there's something that ye may not know, and here's a little clue:The female of the Trio has her birthday onTalk Like A Pirate Day so heads up, Harry and Ron!When she found out, her eyes she rolled, an' she went on knittin' socks,But Harry said, "I've got the gold, let's head down to the docks,"They traded lots o' Galleons for a lovely brigantine,And now they're her young stallions and she's a pirate queen!Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is doneThough she's only seventeen, she's smarter than Dumbledore,Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! Her white shirt and black leather they complement her eyes,A red sash brings it t'gether (and the boots half up her thighs)Cap'n Hook's a fan and Jack Sparrow thinks it's great,It's in the books, it's canon, so let's all celebrate!Hoist the mainsil', wind the capstan, give it all ye got,The firewhiskey and th' captain both are really hot,Here's a Happy Birthday to the girl that we adore,Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! She taxidermied Pettigrew, and on the bridge he sat,'Cause after all, what pirate ship doesn't have a rat?She Incarcerous'd young Malfoy so he could not escape,And one Petrificus later, she made him walk the Snape!Dolohov she'll finish off, and Bellatrix she'll foil,Lucius'll land in Azkaban and likewise Crabbe and Goyle,She laughs at danger, thinks it's keen -- bring on Voldemor -- TT!Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!Now here's the part we talk about with whom she's lockin' lips,'Cause after all, a pirate queen has got to have her 'ships,Some say Harry's her true love, or Ron she will betroth,She finally cried, "I can't decide, I'll have to have 'em both!"Who's the sassy bossy witch that all the boys pursue?Grander than the Golden Snitch and more elusive too.One may Seeker, one may Keeper, both know how to score, withHermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! And so the Seven Seas she sails, in deadly hot pursuitof getting perfect O.W.L.s and aceing every N.E.W.T.Some think she's just a bookworm, but I am here ta sayShe's got this pirate thing down cold every natal day!Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is doneShe'll go down in history, the one we're singin' for,Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor! Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
007: Destroyer of Worlds
To prevent some potential confusion, based on having a friend listen to this yesterday, it is not a song about Phoenix from the X-Men. I ended up changing a line in the bridge specifically to make that point. And, the original song I wanted to write was a lot less cosmic: "She's So Nihilistic". (I might write that one anyway.) Then, I happened to remember John Byrne's "The Last Galactus Story", which ran in Epic Illustrated, wherein his herald Nova realized she was in love with the Big G. I reversed that dynamic, got me some guitar rock, and here we are.
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Destroyer of WorldsWords and Music © 2006 by Tom SmithReleased under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike LicenseNo one knows from whence she came,How she got here, what's her name,All they know is the trail of deadstar systems in her wake.Terrible and beautiful,Implacable and dutiful toAll the worlds she fills with dread,The lives she has to take.It's a mystery why she mustwipe out the stars above,But it don't matter to me, justAs long as we're in love!My baby is the destroyer of worlds,She's a very special girl,The terror of the galaxy, and that's why she's the girl for me --My baby is the destroyer of worlds.Jack Kirby did her clothes design,That hot magenta chrome's so fine.Those big dramatic poses when sheWalks in through the door.From other beings she stands apart,But I was keen to win her heart.She don't like chocolate or roses, but sheSure loved Rigel Four.Nothing sets her eyes aglow likeLeeching planets dryAnd nothing means as much as knowingI'm her lovin' guy.My baby is the destroyer of worlds,Just watch her sensor probes unfurl,I love to see her smiling face when she devours an alien race --My baby is the destroyer of worlds.Some people think she's just a fableShe drank Galactus and Phoenix under the tableSome wonder why she keeps me aroundIt has to do with humans being maddening yet profound.And so we roam the universe'Cause it's her calling and her curseFinding worlds that teem with life, andLeaving cold debris.And even though she must consumeWhole planets to avoid her doom,I know someday she'll be my wife, andShe'll belong to me.To her, I may be just a mote, butEvery once in awhileAs billions scream as from one throat, she'llFlash our secret smile.My baby is the destroyer of worlds,And I'm so glad that she's my girl,The scourge of all reality, she'll always be the girl for me --My baby is the destroyer of worlds.
006: Mythical Frederick
I get buttloads of spam. And I have to check everything, because occasionally something I need gets tagged and dumped into the Bulk folder. It doesn't help that spam generators have gotten weird over the past several months: in ever-more-sophisticated attempts to bypass filters, they've taken to everything from overly sincere exhortations that the writer truly believes there is no better deal available online, to excerpts from poetry or works of fiction, to Strangeass Q. Sendernames, to simple random phrases.Well, one day something came through with the subject line, "mythical Frederick". I grinned and sang to myself, "Mythical Frederick doesn't exist -- that's why he's got me so bloody pissed", and suddenly realized I was about to write a Beatles pastiche.
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Mythical FrederickWords and Music © 2006 by Tom SmithReleased under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike LicenseMythical Frederick doesn't exist.That's why he's got me so bloody pissed.Clogged up the drain of my shower with hair,I can't complain 'cause Frederick's not there.Mythical Frederick ate all the jam,Bought the wrong bread and bought the wrong ham.I get so mad when things don't go right,'Cause Mythical Frederick's nowhere in sight.Frederick locked my keys in my car,Got me in fights with toughs at the bar,You've no idea what trouble I'm in,From my imaginary evil twin.Mythical Frederick skimps when he tips,He kissed the vicar full on the lips,I can't explain 'cause no one can seeMythical Frederick did it, not me.People believe in Santa, it's true,The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy tooKids make up friends, so why can't you seeI've got a made-up arch-enemy?Frederick got me fired from my job,Brainwashed my girl to think I'm a slob,I'll go insane 'cause Frederick, the louse,Cancelled the payments on my phone and house.Out in the street, half-froze in the snow,One act of vengeance before I goI'll do him in, but he won't be missed,Mythical Frederick doesn't exist.
