041: Waking Up Jedi

I apologize for the delay. I actually had this song written last Friday, but because of doing stuff at and for Oasis in Orlando, FL I couldn't get a good vocal. The next song, and possibly the one after that, will be up this weekend.

Last Friday was the 30th anniversary of the theatrical release of one of our modern mythologies, Star Wars. And it is pretty much pervasive. One could argue that nearly everything that can be said about it has been, but I think there are at least a few good jokes we can still get out of it. And, hey -- maybe they'll do The Adventures of Young Yoda or something. Gonna make this one another freebie, gang.

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Waking Up Jedi
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License
This song invokes copyrights and trademarks owned by Lucasfilm, Ltd., for the purposes of satire only. No challenge to copyright is intended, nor should one be construed.


When I woke up this morning, I was a Jedi knight.
I had those cool khaki robes and a saber made of light,
I had those Jedi Mind Tricks, which were quite the little perq,
My girlfriend is weak-minded, I was almost late for work.

I had three meetings but they were the best times of the day,
I waved my fingers and my boss would just look away.
I raised my hand and Krispy Kremes floated over with style,
My secretary didn't believe it -- I said, "That is why you file."

My favorite lunch spot is across a wide and busy street
But I just leapt and Jedi flipped and landed on my feet,
My cell phone calls and wireless connection didn't drop,
And I didn't have to pay the bill, thanks to a mind-tricked cop.

Then a child,
A little child,
Looked up at me with angry eyes,
And said "You!
You are not Jedi,
Because Jedi are the good guys!"

You're right, you little snotnose, I must be of the Sith,
I'm trading khaki in for black like all my evil kith,
My job's debugging software, so I'll be Darth Secticide
And I will seek out Jedi, no matter where they hide.

And then I saw my girlfriend, with grim protruding lip,
She wore form-fitting khaki robes, a lightsaber on her hip
She said, "You cannot win, your powers will no longer work,
And the good guys have to win this one, 'cause you were such a jerk."

I lowered my lightsaber, and said, "When you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry that my Dark Side has led us to this fight.
It must be midichlorians made me what I've become --"
She said, "It can't be that, 'cause midichlorians are dumb."

So now I strive for inner peace and helping those in need,
I've cut back on the mind control and acts of guile and greed,
And best of all, my girl and I combine our Jedi powers,
There's lots of ways to use the Force, and some can last for hours.

Interlude: Tech Support For Dad (Live)

Forgive me for not having the new iTom song up yet. It actually was written Friday, but between doing stuff at Oasis and my family coming down to the con I haven't been able to record a decent vocal yet. It may not happen tonight, either, although I'll try.

However, here's something I hope will make up for it: "Tech Support For Dad", performed at the concert last night, and guest-starring... my dad. :)

040: Smash the Frickin' Fairies

Because.

Because, in all those deeply moving and beautiful songs with the soft vocals in the original Welsh and the quiet piano or guitar and the synthesizer pads that go on forever and the environmental sound effects so cunningly mixed you'd swear Bambi's gonna come up and lick your hand and the shaker played by an old man from the highlands who can't see anymore and drinks like a sponge and swears like Carlin with his foot in a blender but by Jayzus he's been shakin' a shaker in Celtic jams since before the Great War... there are fairies.

Oh, they may not mention them. But they're there. Celtic magic, don't ye know. And the fairies are always beautiful, and powerful, and dangerous, and capricious, and whimsical, and wondrous. And elfin. An' stuff.

That's why.

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Smash the Frickin' Fairies
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


There's a fairy grove in my back yard,
I found it just last night.
And the fairies come to have some fun
In the silvery moonlight
They're lovelier than anything
That you have ever seen
And when you smash them with a brick
Their blood's all thick and green.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Bash 'em in the head.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Giggly sparkly fairies,
Dumbass tiny fairies,
Make them suckers dead.

Stupid little fairies
Come to dance and sing,
Hang 'em from my nipples,
Now they're fairy bling.
Tiny little wingspan,
See how cute they are,
Press 'em in a phone book,
Tape 'em to my car.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tacky goofy fairies,
Cutesy Wootsy fairies,
I don't wanna stop.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tinkly stinkly fairies,
Poopy stoopy fairies,
Squeeze 'em till they pop.

Who cares about their ancient magic,
Who cares about their hidden lore,
I just like the way they go stiff then go limp
When you catch their heads in a door.

Who cares about their timeless beauty
Who cares if their existence is a shock
I took pictures of them posed with my Dominatrix Barbie
And my eBay shop can't keep 'em in stock

Some people see the fairies and
Their hearts and souls are moved,
I tie them to bowling pins,
My average has improved.
Fishing isn't boring since I
Use them now for bait,
They're also good as shredded cheese,
Their life is really grate.

The fairies joined together
Came to each other's aid
Too bad I had a shotgun
And a big ol' can of Raid
So now they're really frightened,
They're sad and mad and vexed,
And when I take the fairies down
The Hobbits all are next!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Dainty pretty fairies,
Gaudy bawdy fairies,
Crush them under trains.
Anvil at the ready,
Drop it on their head-ee,
Bring in some undead-ee,
ZOMBIE FAIRIE BRAINS!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Stupid cutesy fairies,
Icky nasty fairies,
Bust their little heads.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Fill their cemetaries,
Then I woke up, Doctor,
Can you please adjust my meds?

New Album! iTom 3.0: True Love Waits

Yowzah. The third album of this stuff is now available -- only $8.99. I think I'm writing some of the best stuff of my life, and there's more on the way, and I thank you all for coming back every week. You guys rock.

039: And There Was Dancing

I wanted to have this one done for a friend's wedding several years ago. She's a sweet lady, prone to mood swings, and there was one convention we were both at where she was really down. I did my best to cheer her up, but I was still kinda worried about her until later in the weekend when I was having a conversation in the hall, and she suddenly skipped through, half-singing, "... and there was dancing... and there was dancing...." It was adorable, and I knew that someday it would become a song. This is not the song I envisioned, but it started with that -- so, Becky, this is for you.

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And There Was Dancing
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


The band was tuning,
The crowd was waiting,
To take advantage of the moment or to
Quickly step aside.

It's always like this,
Some hesitating,
Some all too eager to display themselves,
Some trying just to hide.

I felt unguarded,
A bit unsteady.
There are two kinds of people in the world and
I'm the other kind.

The music started,
And some were ready,
The only way to miss the tension was to
Be both deaf and blind.

And there was dancing,
And there was singing,
And there was magic in the air between two
People who'd just met

And there was laughter,
And gentle clinging,
And there was everything I wanted but could
Never hope to get

And there was style,
And there was fashion,
And there were all too many years of practice
Moving to that beat

And there was romance,
And there was passion,
And there was me along the sidelines with my
Shabby self-esteem and two left feet.


She was amazing,
Such graceful motion.
I wondered what would her reaction be if
He should miss a step..

He was fantastic.
I had the notion
That he would not take it so kindly if
She wasn't so adept.

And all around them
Were other dancers,
Some concentrating on their own moves and
Some trying to cut in

And on the sidelines
We stood and watched them,
Wishing we could go and join them, with no
Clue how to begin.

And then it ended,
All too abruptly,
The dancers all looked disappointed but at
Last they left the floor

The music started,
This time more slowly,
And with a little hesitation first one
Couple then some more

All started dancing,
It wasn't graceful,
Maybe not poetry in motion but at
Least a trembling verse.

It wasn't stylish,
It wasn't tasteful,
But it had all of the emotion that gets
Lost when you rehearse.

Then I felt someone
Tap on my shoulder,
And I turned to see her smiling,
Shyly holding out her hand.

This was my moment
For being bolder,
So I said, "I am only watching and I
Hope you understand

We're not all dancing,
We're not all singing,
But there are times we move our feet a bit
And maybe hum the tune.

Some are performing,
Some are benchwarming,
Some people must be social butterflies, some
Stay in their cocoon

And, while I thank you,
I am not dancing,
Maybe some other time we'll have a turn but
I'll sit this one out."

But she kept smiling,
And sat beside me,
She said, "Sometimes you take a break to keep it
Special, that's what dancing's all about --"

038: Love Thy Neighbor

This has nothing to do with my housing situation, past or present. Nope nope nope nope nope. Actually, this is the fifth song I worked on for this week. One of them is not only finished, but has two versions. I wasn't happy with any of 'em, which is why I kept writing until I got this. Those other songs will be properly finished soon.

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Love Thy Neighbor
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


God says "Love thy neighbor",
But he didn't live next to mine,
The rotten jerks upstairs could tax
The patience of the divine.

At three a.m. they vacuum,
At dawn they hammer the walls,
At precisely eleven every night,
They juggle bowling balls.

They've run a bath and gone outside
And then locked themselves out,
The flooding that resulted cost me
Fifty bucks in grout.

She babysits six times a week, some
Spoiled noisy brats,
She feeds her yap dog broccoli,
And cheese to both her cats,

They blast the stereo, bang the doors,
He coughs, she wheezes, he smokes, she snores,
And what they do behind closed doors
You can buy on CD in Halloween stores.

Then one night they have a fight,
A lot of stuff gets thrown,
The front door slams and he drives off,
And now she's all alone

I try to just roll over,
And finally get some sleep,
But then I hear her sobbing
And I feel like just a creep.

I go upstairs and hesitate
Before I finally knock
After a minute the door is opened,
I stand there in shock

'Cause she's so hot I pinch myself
To see if I'm awake,
With eyes like a kicked puppy
Ohhh, man, this was a mistake.

I ask if anything is wrong,
She starts crying loud and long,
He lied, he cheated, same old song,
I wish she weren't wearing a silk sarong....

Well, you can guess what happened next,
We started goin' out,
God said "Love thy neighbor", well,
I'm feeling more devout.

Of course we've had to compromise,
'Cause that's what couples do,
I've told her that she has to finish
Vacuuming by two.

She still can juggle bowling balls,
But just four at a time.
The pets' exhaust is sweeter now, I
Feed 'em lemon-lime.

The kids are calm since I wired "Boohbah"
Straight into their heads,
And the toolbox has brand new locks and it's
underneath my bed

When she takes a bath, she takes good care
But just in case, we always share,
When the new guy downstairs starts to swear,
I yell, "Why d'you think I moved out of there?"