iTom: Free Music From Tom Smith

Music in every style -- except dull. Tom Smith, the World's Fastest Filker and the prototypical geek folk-rocker, releases new music for free download on a regular basis. (It was a song a week for almost a year.) You can subscribe to the RSS feed, purchase a better-quality MP3 of the song, or purchase three months' worth as a downloadable album.

Friday, May 18, 2007

040: Smash the Frickin' Fairies

Because.

Because, in all those deeply moving and beautiful songs with the soft vocals in the original Welsh and the quiet piano or guitar and the synthesizer pads that go on forever and the environmental sound effects so cunningly mixed you'd swear Bambi's gonna come up and lick your hand and the shaker played by an old man from the highlands who can't see anymore and drinks like a sponge and swears like Carlin with his foot in a blender but by Jayzus he's been shakin' a shaker in Celtic jams since before the Great War... there are fairies.

Oh, they may not mention them. But they're there. Celtic magic, don't ye know. And the fairies are always beautiful, and powerful, and dangerous, and capricious, and whimsical, and wondrous. And elfin. An' stuff.

That's why.
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Smash the Frickin' Fairies
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


There's a fairy grove in my back yard,
I found it just last night.
And the fairies come to have some fun
In the silvery moonlight
They're lovelier than anything
That you have ever seen
And when you smash them with a brick
Their blood's all thick and green.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Bash 'em in the head.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Giggly sparkly fairies,
Dumbass tiny fairies,
Make them suckers dead.

Stupid little fairies
Come to dance and sing,
Hang 'em from my nipples,
Now they're fairy bling.
Tiny little wingspan,
See how cute they are,
Press 'em in a phone book,
Tape 'em to my car.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tacky goofy fairies,
Cutesy Wootsy fairies,
I don't wanna stop.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tinkly stinkly fairies,
Poopy stoopy fairies,
Squeeze 'em till they pop.

Who cares about their ancient magic,
Who cares about their hidden lore,
I just like the way they go stiff then go limp
When you catch their heads in a door.

Who cares about their timeless beauty
Who cares if their existence is a shock
I took pictures of them posed with my Dominatrix Barbie
And my eBay shop can't keep 'em in stock

Some people see the fairies and
Their hearts and souls are moved,
I tie them to bowling pins,
My average has improved.
Fishing isn't boring since I
Use them now for bait,
They're also good as shredded cheese,
Their life is really grate.

The fairies joined together
Came to each other's aid
Too bad I had a shotgun
And a big ol' can of Raid
So now they're really frightened,
They're sad and mad and vexed,
And when I take the fairies down
The Hobbits all are next!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Dainty pretty fairies,
Gaudy bawdy fairies,
Crush them under trains.
Anvil at the ready,
Drop it on their head-ee,
Bring in some undead-ee,
ZOMBIE FAIRIE BRAINS!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Stupid cutesy fairies,
Icky nasty fairies,
Bust their little heads.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Fill their cemetaries,
Then I woke up, Doctor,
Can you please adjust my meds?

12 Comments:

At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Nikki said...

I may be the only person, or at least the only person who will admit it, but I think this is awesomely funny.

 
At 10:50 PM, Blogger Bryan said...

That makes 2 of us Nikki. *chuckle* this goes into the MP3 player.

 
At 11:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy Cow!!! I love it. I think Tom's at the top of his game right now. Between this and "Cat Macros," from the Fump, I don't know which one made me laugh more.

Any more serious songs coming? I enjoy those too. I dare Mr. Filkertom to do another song as gentle, moving, serious, and as much of a tear-jerker as "A Boy And His Frog."

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger filkertom said...

Many thanks, gang. :) Anon, several recent iTom songs, including the previous one, have been serious. Actually, I'm really very proud of this past bunch.

 
At 3:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"A Boy and His Frog" is the first song from any filk artist (and I've listened to more than a few) that has made me go all misty-like. Tom, you never cease to amaze me. I've listened to you for [mumbled] years and you just keep getting better and better. You've made me laugh, you've made me cry and you've made me go 'hmmm'. Bravo, sir. This one? Eeevil [grin]. It'll get printed out and stuck in my sopy of _Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book_.

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Saganth said...

*whimper* Oh my god! those poor fairies! That... that's just wrong!! :))

Especially like the line about the pressed fairy book...

But GAH!! Poor fairies! I guess you were having a Labyrinth Hoggle moment Tom? Tho you left out the fumigator...

 
At 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, great song!! After seeing a couple comments about Frog and his Boy, how about a high quality, $.99, version of this? That way people can choose between paying for the better one, or the free low-quality version. Just a thought. I'd buy it in a heartbeat. While we're at it, how about both of the first two cassettes as paid high quality mp3 downloads? I'd pay for that too.

 
At 10:04 PM, Blogger filkertom said...

Anon 2 -- love to, but can't. The recordings used to make the cassettes (and the Digital Acoustic Compilation CD) are owned by Dodeka. I'm kinda pushing it as it is with "A Boy And His Frog", and it's one of the reasons it's up there as a freebie. However I'm working on Sounds Familiar, which is new studio versions of almost everything on those tapes, and I should have that done before the end of the year.

 
At 1:01 AM, Blogger Peach Flambée said...

Little wingy SMURFS!!!!

 
At 11:27 PM, Anonymous robin-june said...

"Let's go Smurfin' now,
"Hit the woods and burn 'em out!
"Come on a Safari with me!"

Except this time the ichor runs green, not blue.

Oh, gee. Just realized I've got cause to worry.
I'm a Spartan from Michigan State.
MY blood runs green, too!

 
At 11:14 PM, Anonymous Lissa said...

This is great! Thanks for the laughs!

 
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