037: Wiki of Love

There are actually a few Wikipedia-style sources out there for the whys, wherefores, and how-tos of sex (just Google, um, "wiki sex"), but not much in the way of the same thing for women in general, which is where most of us guys really need help. If I ever manage to create that Wiki, I will be a billionaire by month's end. Even if I start on the 27th.

---

Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs

---

Wiki of Love
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


I couldn't get a woman, no matter what I was tryin',
Fancy clothes, fancy car, flowers, candy, good food, expensive wine,
And then one day I wised up... and got myself online.

Now, it isn't dating services or chat rooms that I'm speakin' of,
Streaming porn, mail-order brides, Real Dolls, none o' the above,
But the source of all romantic wisdom, the Wiki of Love.

There's how-to tips and pointers from the finest nerds and geeks,
So much information you could be in there for weeks,
Calculate if she's for you with all the proofs and math,
How to be a gentleman and why to take a bath,
And which ladies like which textures --
Chin smooth, voice rough,
Of course, I'm the other way around,
It's all in the Wiki of Love.

I spent a couple days there, learning everything I could,
Figured I may or may not be nice, but at least I'd be good,
Then I started virtually cruisin' the virtual neighborhood.

The MySpace girls were either fourteen, or would-be supermodel fluff,
LiveJournal chicks were fanfic-clickin' Wiccans, although poly enough,
It's time to go in deeper to the Wiki of Love.

At Townhall they're all stuck-up, at Daily Kos they're bold,
On Google Groups they're freaky, on Yahoo kinda cold.
On Second Life they do things of which my Mom can't be told,
On EverQuest and World of Warcraft, they just want my gold,
Maybe this isn't such a good idea,
The trade's a little rough,
And Sociolotron is just scary,
It's back to the Wiki of Love.

I couldn't understand it, I'd taken all that advice,
Then one day out in Meatspace, I meet this girl, she was really nice,
I tried just being myself, and it seemed to suffice.

She said she liked my textures -- voice smooth, chin rough,
I said "That sounds familiar -- have you been where I'm thinkin' of?"
Turns out we'd both been misled by the Wiki of Love.

We started going through it with a different point of view,
Of terms there were too many, of good techniques too few,
We both signed up as editors, and fixed up stuff all night,
And six months later, we're the ones who really run the site,
And we don't assume a thing,
It's not wisdom handed down from above,
Gee, I guess that means more research,
Fact-checkin' the Wiki of Love.

036: "Kidnapped By Pirates" Is Good

In my opinion, romantic role-play is the absolute best -- and least expensive! -- way to spice up your love life One standard variation on a theme got its start -- with me, at least -- exactly as portrayed in the song. The only problem I have with this song is something I'm really not sure what to do about: After awhile, all pirate songs start to sound the same. Not that there's anything wrong with that....

---

Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs

---

"Kidnapped By Pirates" Is Good
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


Sometimes romance isn't all it might be,
Sometimes it's boring and pale,
The same old routine, played out nightly,
And you wonder if love has gone stale.

Well, I'm here to offer solutions
When passion ain't quite up to par
A cute little sash, a cunning eye patch,
And a scoundrel who likes to say ARRR!

And it's Yo Ho, off we go
Across the deep blue sea
Way hay, far away
Where it's just you and me
I'm feeling so much bolder than
I ever thought I would,
So I'm slingin' you over me shoulder, love...
"Kidnapped by pirates" is good!

A pirate is lookin' fer treasure, my dear,
A trinket that's pretty and sweet
He certainly does it for pleasure, my dear,
Let's go look under the sheet

We don't need no fancy costumes,
That's why we've both got a brain
A slightly worn shirt, an accessible skirt,
And we're sailin' the Spanish Main!

And it's Yo Ho, off we go
To the Islands of the Spice
Way hay, far away
Where Cutthroats are kinda nice
We'll have such delight, more than even
Dan Savage says we should,
Ah, wench, that's right, you're not leavin' --
"Kidnapped by pirates" is good!

Now, "Murdered by pirates is good", they said,
In the film The Princess Bride
But we find it more romantic
If nobody's actually died.

There ain't no reason why our love life
Has to fade to black
So let's turn off the TV
And turn on Cap'n Jack

So let me put your blindfold on,
I'll make ye walk some planks,
And then I'll have a change o' heart,
And accept yer grateful thanks.

I'll carry you off ta me cabin,
Where we'll do things obscene,
And tomorrow YOU do the kidnappin',
My lovely pirate queen!

And it's Yo Ho, off we go,
To realms of fantasy,
Way hay, far away,
Where it's just you and me,
And every night I love ya more than
I ever thought I could
From the deck of a Portuguese Man O' War,
"Kidnapped by pirates" is good.
And I left our cell phones back on shore....
"Kidnapped by pirates" is good!

035: True Love Waits

True Love Waits is an exercise in denial. The idea is "challenging teenagers and college students to make a commitment to sexual abstinence until marriage... encourag[ing] moral purity by adhering to biblical principles... utiliz[ing] positive peer pressure by encouraging those who make a commitment to refrain from pre-marital sex to challenge their peers to do the same."

I feel the philosophy behind this has a great deal of merit on several levels. There is no denying that the surest way to avoid pregnancy and STDs is to not fool around. Unfortunately, there's this little thing called reality. In the first place, humans are hard-wired to have and enjoy sexual contact. A lot. Like, more than almost anything, shy of breathing. Still, many people can control themselves. But there are other problems. The methodology insists on pretty much no alternative sex education -- they don't teach you about prophylactics, STDs, etc., because, after all, you're abstaining from sex and therefore don't need to worry about them, right? Not to mention that, apparently, many of the young people who enter into the commitment [a] flat-out lie about it, [b] sincerely mean it but break it later, and/or [c] don't think oral or anal sex "count".

I tried to do the same tightrope walk with this song that I did with "Happy Conception Day". Please let me know how it works.

And, yes, when I first heard the phrase "true love waits" about three years ago, my first thought was a Tom Waits style riff. As with the Dr. John riff of "Neckbolt Love", I figured hinting at how Waits sings would work much better than trying to actually do his unique gravelly bass for a seven-minute song.

Update: A very timely post at Alas, A Blog.

---

Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs

---

True Love Waits
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


There's a building on the corner,
You know it's the House of God.
And the man inside says makin' love is wrong
And nobody finds that odd.

'Cause he's never made love in his lifetime,
He's never been held in the night,
He's never shared laughter or tears in the arms
Of the one who could make it all right.

His God is his comfort, his God is his shield,
Against all temptation to which he might yield,
And he never wonders why God gave him flesh
whose desires lead him so far afield?

He's never imagined it otherwise,
And pleasure ain't part of the plan,
And true love waits for the faithful
To be more than a woman and man.

They tell all the young men and women
To give themselves over to God,
For the Kingdom of Heaven awaits you
If down the right path you have trod.

And knowledge denies what we're sure of,
And faith is a beautiful thing,
And everything's suddenly different when
She slips on his wedding ring.

Their God is their comfort, their God is their cause,
Their God's more important than reason or laws,
And they never wonder why God makes them wait,
The purpose behind the pause.

Their own feelings aren't as important
As pleasing the man up above,
And true love waits for the faithful
To show that they're greater than love.

It don't matter what all the facts are,
'Cause facts are from secular schools
And God in his Heaven will love and protect you
So long as you follow the rules.

The next life is gonna be better,
As long as you answer the call,
Amidst all this thunder I can't help but wonder
Why bother with this life at all?

There's a million young men and women
Who've promised themselves to the Lord.
They know sex distracts you from thinkin' 'bout Gabriel
Wielding his mighty sword.

And their destinies lie before them,
To be the best husbands and wives,
They only need stifle the instincts God gave them
The rest of their natural lives.

Their God is their pillar, their God is their rock,
Their God is their shepherd, and they are the flock,
And they never wonder why God makes them do things
The rest of the world will mock.

And denial is a river in Egypt,
And all the best people abstain,
And true love waits for the faithful
To learn how to live with the pain.

And those who may falter aren't worthy
They've failed themselves and their kin,
And true love waits for the virtuous,
Who've never committed a sin.

And what you believe's more important
Than truth that might get in the way,
And true love waits for the righteous
To go up to Heaven one day.

034: Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life)

There are genuine anti-gay fearmongers out there. They makes me crazy on a number of levels, because every gay person I've ever met has been exactly like every non-gay person I've ever met, except for who they'd prefer to take to the prom. I suppose it's possible that I'm sheltered, and I've met only "almost-normal" gays or somethin'... but I really don't think so.

Meanwhile, the right-wing religious nuts act as if civilization is literally going to collapse if we tolerate two guys snogging on the street. They must really be great kissers. I mean, if the very sight of Teh Gay is enough to make men abandon their marriages, no wonder it's so dangerous!

This, of course, has never happened to anybody anywhere.

Until now.

---

Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs

---

Two Guys Kissin' (Ruined My Life)
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


I was sittin' at home the other day
Beer in hand, pizza on the way,
An' Turner Classic Movies -- not Turner and Hooch.

Christopher Reeve and Michael Caine
Were drivin' Dyan Cannon insane,
But after they killed her, I saw the two of 'em smooch.

I hadn't felt so weird since I was young,
I'm not sure but I think there mighta been tongue,
And I didn't understand -- they both were men!

Then a voice in my head said, "Yeah, so what?"
And I noticed Chris had a real nice butt
And I knew I was never gonna be the same again.

Well, I walked the straight and narrow,
But now it's a little bent,
I used to be full hetero,
I wonder where that went,
Have to quit being a Scoutmaster,
And I have to leave my wife,
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.

I shook my head and I changed the channel
And saw some guy in a cap and flannel
Singin' he was a lumberjack and he was okay

I kept on surfin', got Brokeback Mountain,
Rocky Horror, The Birdcage, and I stopped countin'
When I got to Bravo and the whole damn network was gay.

I sat and I squirmed with the funniest feelin',
I figured I needed some sexual healin',
But that was by MARVIN Gaye, oh, my achin' head.

I'd'a sworn I was straight till I saw that kissin',
But it'd shown me somethin' I'd been missin' --
I'd ruled out half of humanity sharin' my bed.

The techniques all look normal,
But the details are kinda weird,
Does a moustache act like velcro
When it runs into a beard?
Agonizin' reappraisal
Has caused me endless strife,
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.

The internet and magazines, and every film and book,
This slashy stuff is all I'm seein' everywhere I look,
When football players watch each other, it seems more intense
And all that Harry/Draco stuff is starting to make sense.

Each time I thought about it, I wondered, should I try
To have a close encounter with another horny guy?
'Cause it would still be cheatin' on my wife, I'm pretty sure,
I could tell her "It ain't another woman" -- but it sure as heck ain't her.

Then my mouth wrote a check I couldn't afford,
We were watchin' the People's Choice Awards,
With Hugh Jackman and Jude Law gettin' touchy-feely.

I said, "Yeah, I bet they're the People Choice,
Even I might like kissin' one o' them boys,"
And my wife said in a sultry voice, "Really?"

Since then our love life is frickin' unreal,
We've learned to share and say what we feel,
She tells me her fantasies and I tell her mine.

It's more romance than we've ever had,
But there is one thing that makes me mad --
I've gotten addicted to Queer Eye and Top Design.

My NASCAR buddies shun me,
And my parish said "Goodbye",
But the girls down at the office
Think I'm their kinda guy,
I've lost all my machismo,
With acceptance I am rife,
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.
Two guys kissin' ruined my life.

033: Pygmalion 2.0, Service Pack 1

A few people objected to the last line of last week's song. They basically thought it made the guy creepy. I didn't have a problem with it myself, as it was a character and all, and I thought the line just made him a little creepier. But then I thought of a funnier line that also gets rid of the problem. So... I patched the song. :) Everything else is the same -- links, etc.; just that last line is different. Let me know what you think.