028: Neckbolt Love

I was trying to think of a catchy title for a song about the "love" between Frankenstein's Monster and a Generic Lovely Female Victim, and the words "neckbolt love" got stuck in my head. Eventually I realized that it could be a variation of Stockholm Syndrome... or maybe just a really interesting kink. I envisioned the song going in a somewhat different direction -- she ends up sleeping with every monster she can find, that kinda stuff -- but I like the way it came out much better.

---

Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs

---

Neckbolt Love
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


I was created in a flash of lightning,
By someone who thought he was God,
He made me oversize from my neck to my thighs
Oh yeah, I've got a killer bod.
But since he gave me such good equipment
And since he gave me this mortal life,
The least he can do is to do what he do
One mo' time and give me a wife.
But he seems a little reluctant,
His arguments are too profound,
He's got all this angst, so I'll just give thanks
That his girlfriend is hangin' around.

I got a brain full of secret desires,
I got a heart full of feelings so sweet,
I got an armful of luscious unconscious brunette
And a cave right down the street.
I may grunt like I'm dumber than crabgrass,
But I can talk if push comes to shove,
And right now, today, all I got to say
Is get ready for some neckbolt love.

Well, at first she started to protest,
She screamed and she beat on my chest,
But when I jumped away, her eyes filled with dismay
And she tore off my wolfskin vest.
Her hands grabbed ahold o' my shoulders,
Her ankles went behind my knees,
And next thing I knew I'm on my back and she's doin'
A tonsil-osculectomy.
Whatever it was I expected,
Wasn't what I got, oh my.
I wanted "prim and proper", but in bed I can't stop her
And I'm not sure I should try

She got electricity chargin' my body,
She got thunder rattlin' 'round my brain,
She got me dazed, confused and maybe vaguely used
And I don't know if I should thank or complain
She got me inside out and upside down,
Sideways, below and above,
She got me wonderin' why I decided I
Should get me some neckbolt love.

Well, after two weeks I was exhausted,
And when I woke up, she was gone,
But she came back there with streaks in her hair
And a whole lotta bandages on.
My creator attempted a rescue,
But she told him to hit the road,
Now every Saturday night we crank up the lightnin'
And hook up my electrodes.
She told all her friends about me,
Now they all want a monster too,
So, fellas, don't despair if you ain't Fred Astaire
Somewhere there's a scream queen for you!

I guess everybody's got their secrets,
Everbody's got their kinks,
Everybody's got somethin' gets them hot,
And it may not be what you think.
And if you can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em,
I'm the editor-in-chief of
The best-selling obscene inventions' magazine,
Check out this issue of Neckbolt Love.

027: Stupid Belated Valentine

Hey there! Thanks so much for your patience. I'm back. I was travelling for a couple of weeks, and working was impossible. I tried. Just never got close to comfortable, never had the chance to settle in to a work space. But I'm home now, and I've got a bunch of stuff coming, and I should get back on schedule pretty quickly.

This one is obvious, straightforward, and I hope only dripping with a fraction of the contempt I feel for the marketing geniuses at Hallmark who hype "Valentine's Week". A pox and a plague and a case of herpes and another case of moldy chocolates on all of you. Guys already have more than enough to worry about in any given relationship, thank you, and we really do try, and who the hell needs the added pressure of the flower, candy, and greeting card industries trying to make their respective bottom lines?

And we do it anyway, because we wuv our honey wunnies. We're so frickin' weak.

---

Listen
Buy this song for 99¢ (192 Kbps) through PayPal
Make a donation
Subscribe to iTom
Hear more songs

---

Stupid Belated Valentine
Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


There's a time in February
When the world goes red and pink
When the Hallmark zombies eat your brains
So a guy can't even think
When a dozen long-stemmed roses
Are the minimum to give
But I forgot to do it yesterday
And my God I want to live

Here's a stupid belated Valentine
For my stupid one true love
From the stupid guy who forgot to buy
Something for my turtle dove
All the candy hearts are bunnies now
And the flowers all are gone
So the closest I'm going to get
Is this stupid song

There are three days that you can't forget
If you want romance to work,
And the one time you miss one of them
You go from prince to jerk,
Anniversaries can slip your mind,
Birthdays get swept under rugs,
But the only way to miss Valentine's
Is some really darn good drugs

Here's a stupid belated Valentine
For the girl that I adore
In the hope I won't find all my
Stuff thrown out the front door
All the stuffed bears are on discount
And I'm really up the creek,
'Cause the days of wine and roses
were last week.

I could tell you how bad work has got,
Or how traffic held me back,
How your card was et by my dog Spot,
How some aliens attacked
How my horoscope advised me
Not to spend my cash just yet,
Anything that might convince you
That I didn't just forget.

Here's a gift card from a jewelry store
And another from The Gap,
Here's a real-life cabana boy
Who'll dance upon your lap.
Here's a bottle of Pinot Grigio
From nineteen-ninety-two,
Here's a promise that I'll think of you
When Hallmark wants me to.

Here's a stupid belated Valentine
For my stupid one true love,
From your stupid friend who next time will spend
A hundred bucks or above,
But I don't need a calendar
To tell you I feel this way...
Still, remind me when it's
Almost Sweetest Day.

Apologia, or The Windup... And The Pitch

I apologize to everyone reading this (and it's getting to be a pretty big number, yay! You all rock), but I'm not going to get a song out this week.

It should've been up by this past Wednesday or Thursday. It's actually mostly done. But I've been doing a ludicrous amount of other stuff, including (and this is what did me in) a bunch of travel last, during which time it's a little tricky to arrange and record. Combine that with (temporarily) limited internet access, and ain't nothin' gettin' uploaded for a day or three.

So I am very sorry, and I'm working on two songs for next week to catch up. Thank you all very much for your support, and for your patience.