018: Whose Idea Was

This is part of an idea I had awhile back called "Five Short Songs About Your Relationship". I may still write them; I certainly will write "But Enough About You". I was going very much for an early-to-middle Barenaked Ladies feel.

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Whose Idea Was
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


Exactly
Whose idea was making out in the backseat?
There’s nowhere to put my elbows, nowhere to put your feet,
It’s not wide enough for a moonlight tryst,
It’s not long enough, I’m gonna sprain my wrist.

Why are we
Naked on cold vinyl so far out of town?
Risking hypothermia, or cops with flashlights and a frown?
We had a fancy dinner, we ate so well,
But I’d prefer Mickey D’s and a cheap mo-

Tell me that you love me, tell me you’ll be true,
Tell me that this isn’t happening ‘cause we didn’t know what else to
Do,
This tangle couldn’t get much denser.
Your smile kicks me out of MENSA.

Exactly
Whose idea was making love in the backseat?
I’m thinkin' that this Lincoln bedroom won’t make us complete,
Although the thought of Continental breakfast can’t be beat....

017: So, Thanks

I was going to write a more serious Thanksgiving song, and I think I will, in time for next year. But I've been very busy lately, and a little stressed, and I wanted to write something fun. May your holiday season be filled with joy and love, and your shopping cart filled with bargains.

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So, Thanks
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


The fourth Thursday in November, I'm sure you all have heard,
Is when we offer thanks for stuff and devour roasted bird
But I'm not sure who I'm thanking, I'm not sure it's a him,
And I'm not sure what's deliberate, accidental, or a whim.

Then I thought, perhaps generic thanks will cover every base
Random gratitude for everything might help me save some face,
But it didn't seem appropriate, and it surely wasn't fair
Spouting platitudes anonymously into open air

So...

Thanks to mom and dad for having me, because of you I'm there
Though if you'd chosen differently, I guess I wouldn't care
Thanks to Brother, whom I fought with over who had cooler toys,
Thanks to Sister, who still liked me even though she hated boys
Thanks to all the kids who beat me up because I was a nerd,
And then asked for help for homework, which I offered undeterred,
Thanks to the first girl I asked out, she said she liked my smile,
I have so much to be thankful for, so this could take awhile

Thanks to Popcap and Bethesda, 'cause your games are so much fun
Thanks Anne Hathaway and Kate Winslet for the topless scenes you've done
Thanks to all the pigs who've died to make my pulled pork barbecue
Thanks to Quentin Tarantino for Kill Bill one and two
Thanks to J. K. Rowling for screwing up Harry Potter Volume Six,
If she hadn't, I might not have found better-written fannish fics,
Thanks to Joel, Mike, the Robots, Dr. F and TV's Frank,
Bobo, Pearl, and Brain Guy -- and I still have more to thank.

Thank you to the Dutch who got annoyed at all the Puritans
For saying public dancing was lewd
Thank you to the native tribes who welcomed all the Pilgrims here
And sorry that you got so badly screwed
Thanks, Ben Franklin, though you didn't have much luck in
getting folks to think that turkeys were okay
Thanks to the inventors of tofurkey and turducken
They're just an awful lot of fun to say

Thanks to those closest to me, my love and my best friends,
I could go on for hours, but at some point this song ends,
Thanks to everyone who listens to my music with delight,
And if you don't, keep listening -- someday I'll get it right.

Thanks to everyone who keeps me sane, you lovely bunch of loons,
Making sure the voices in my brain are all from old cartoons,
Last but not least, thanks Bill Dial and Mike Zinberg, who gave me,
"Turkeys Away" on WKRP.
It's on WKRP in Cincinnati....


("Theme From WKRP In Cincinnati" by T. Wells and H. Wilson)

016: Hamster Brain

My friend Janet is a frequent victim of "hamster brain" -- those times when your thoughts keep running and running, like a hamster in a wheel, usually when you're trying to get to sleep. She and Leslie, also a sufferer of this dread condition, often sign off phone conversations with, "Death to hamsters!" Les mentioned this once to our friend Karen, who's got a two-year-old, Miranda. And Karen said, "Miranda has a birthday card with a hamster on it. She likes the hamster."

And that is how this song came to be.

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Hamster Brain
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


Three o'clock in the morning and I can't frickin' sleep.
I've tried showers, music, milk and cookies, wine and counting sheep.
But a zillion little random thoughts are driving me insane,
It's like hamsters on a wheel running right inside my brain.

Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Death to hamsters except for Miranda's
Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Except Miranda's 'cause she has one as a pet.

I'm not crazy, suicidal, overworked or overstressed,
It's just when I start to think of stuff I can't give it a rest,
And it rattles shakes and rumbles from the moment I disrobe,
I don't want a frickin' habitrail inside my frontal lobe.

Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Death to hamsters except for Miranda's
Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Except Miranda's 'cause she has one as a pet.

I told my little niece Miranda,
About the hamsters who keep me up all night
And she cried and said, "Please don't hurt them,
It's not their fault, you haven't got the right"
So I've written New Age hamster music,
Put Hamster Sominex inside a bedside cup,
Even tried some hamster hypnosis,
I'll take a mallet to my mullet if they won't... shut... up!

Then one night I couldn't take it, and I sat up in my bed,
Grabbed the mallet, started playing Whack-A-Hamster on my head.
And I'm so sorry, Miranda, I was mean and I was weak...
But lemme tell ya, it's adorable -- you hit 'em and they squeak.

Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Death to hamsters except for Miranda's
Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Except Miranda's 'cause she has one as a pet.
So I don't think that I'll mention it just yet.

015: For Us All

The Democrats just retook Congress after a dozen years.

There is a lot of work to do, most of it in the areas of [a] cleaning up messes made by the fools and crooks in power and [b] taking them to task for it. These should be done boldly; the people voted to change the status quo, not maintain it. But they must be done with an eye towards justice and fairness. As much as possible, the actions of our government should be for the benefit of all Americans. This point is apparently lost on a lot of people for a lot of reasons.

For obvious reasons, I wish I'd written this a month ago. I offer it as a song of hope and of healing and of reaching out to those on the other side of the political divide.

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For Us All
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


Once upon a time we were together
Once upon a time we were a team
The problems all were shared, and everybody cared
About everybody living in the dream

But something happened and we were divided
Tearing at the things that we held dear
We started calling names, we started laying blame,
We started to forget why we were here

For us all
We are the people, with the same red, white and blue
For us all
Because it's not the same if it's just me or you, it's
For us all
To bring it back to everything that we once knew,
And we do the things we do for us all

Once upon a time we had our problems
Once upon a time we did things wrong
But as one we lived and died, put our differences aside
Did our best to help each other along

But some of us were blinded by ambition,
Instead of helping out, they wanted power
The things that once were great got lost in all the hate
And they led us to the country's darkest hour

For us all
We must remember all we have to fear is fear
For us all
To be a part of us we have to volunteer
For Us All
To be together means we have to all be here
And we do the things we do for us all

Minorities aren't doing it to spite you,
The poor aren't trying to take away your wealth,
A pregnant woman doesn't want to fight you,
She's trying to take control of herself
A gay man doesn't want to wreck your marriage
He only wants to have a family
We've got so much to do that's more important
You have to open up your eyes to see

For us all
We are the people, and it's up to us to win
For us all
We must remember it's a game we all are in
For us all
It's time to heal the wounds and here's where we begin
And we do the things we do for us all

For us all
We are the people, there's so much we must undo
For us all
Because it's not the same if it's just me or you, it's
For us all
To bring it back to everything that we once knew,
And we do the things we do for us all

For us all
We are the people, with the same red, white and blue
For us all
Because it's not the same if it's just me or you, it's
For us all
To bring it back to everything that we once knew,
And we do the things we do for us all

014: I Ain't Got Time For The Blues

Well, you knew it had to happen -- this is the "Quick! Nothing else is ready! Write fast!" song. And, in keeping with the title, it was written precisely because I had no time to properly finish any of several other things I'm working on. But four verses of blues? I can do that.

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I Ain't Got Time For The Blues
Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License


Woke up this morning, fell outa bed and got dressed,
Burnt my eggs, toast, and newspaper -- wish I could get depressed,
But I ain't got time for the blues, better give it a rest.

The neighbor's dog attacked me, bit my leg clean through,
I'd locked my keys in my car, and when I got in, the radiator blew,
But I ain't got time for the blues, I got things to do.

My girlfriend up and left me, and so did my wife,
I had lunch at the Japanese steakhouse -- shouldn'ta tried to juggle the sushi knife,
But I ain't got time for the blues, I gotta get on with my life.

Headed for the highway, didn't see the sign that said yield,
Got intimate with a semi, ended up in an open field,
Well, now I've got time for the blues -- Blue Cross and Blue Shield.